Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm currently in love with soundtracks.

Sometimes, I walk and I imagine what song would play that scene. I sit and smoke and a song would play in my head. I picture myself in the shoes of the characters I watch and admire and abhor, and choke on the words as I try to sing and inhale and cram them down every crevice--in my mouth, the cracks of my chapped lips, the folds of my ear lobes, and the hammering bones inside my head.

I'm in love with The Temper Trap's "Sweet Disposition". I see myself standing under the glare of the midday sun when I listen to it. I see myself in the middle of a crowded, jammed crossing as I look up. The roaring cacophony of bleeting vehicles and their dagger-tongued owners cursing in their heatstroke-induced insanity. I smile and lift my hands at them, glorifying their obscenities with an obscenity of my own. I offhandedly flick booger at them. What a happy scene. Oblivious.

I'm in love with Regina Spektor's "Us". I imagine myself walking through a tree-lined path when I hear it. I can feel my dog's leash in my left hand, and a melting ice cream on the right. Leaves shuffle under my feet, alive even as they fade into brown and then earth. I see people smile. For some reason, they become contagious. I start to run. I trip and I fall on grass. I fall just short of a shy bud, almost in bloom. She smiles at me. Her cheeks are ridiculously plush. Peppy.

I'm in love with The Smith's "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want". Slumped at the back of the bus, tired, musing. It's almost dawn. I reek of beer. My body is tired and sore, but my solar plexus feels good, warm. I still hear the jokes of the past few hours. Passengers come and go. I hear the laughter in my head, and I laugh with them. I remember the girl I've been pining on all night. I delete my friend's message on my phone, spanning 3 text messages, detailing how he scored with the girl I've been pining on all night, and how many times, and how they're about to go at it for the umpteenth time plus one. I'll let you sum this one up.

I'm in love with soundtracks.
I wish I had my own.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Abby (fiction)

Alam mo, dati rati, pinapangarap lang kita.

Walang araw na dumaan na hindi kita sinusulyapan sa pwesto mo. Napaka-pristine ng station mo, palaging maayos, at hindi nawawalan ng mga interesanteng bagay na araw-araw mo pinapalitan ng mas nakakatuwang mga detalye. Mga post-its na ginagamit mong notes sa pagtatrabaho, pero sinisingitan mo ng comedy. Katulad nung isang part na inedit mo sa gawa ko, nung nagkamali ako ng pagkaka-transcribe. Marahil sa pagmamadaling makahabol sa unrealistic nating quota, nakalimutan kong tuldukan ang isang part. Nakalagay sa post-it mo for that day, "Pag walang period, pwedeng i-kama." Salbahe ka talaga, haha. You and your silly word plays.

You made my words dance, use my own words against me. You do it so much, I'm offended, baby. Really. Hehe.

It felt good, just watching you from my spot. You and your oversized lola glasses, proof-reading transcripts at light speed and talking to everybody around you at the same time without skipping a beat. Hearing you laugh always did make me smile. Yung tawa mo pa naman, napaka-playful ng tono, almost bordering "maharot" without being too flirty.

I still hear your laughter, when my mind is quiet. I hear it when I close my eyes. When my heart beat drowns out every sound, your laugh always comes sneaking in.

I never really had the courage to talk to you much, because I've always been a bit shy around you. Buti na lang, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na makausap ka minsan, nang nagkakwentuhan tayo sa pantry about movies. We started trading films, pleasantly surprising each other as fellow film buffs. Imagine my surprise when I recommended to you feel-goods, and you traded me some seriously beautiful skin flicks. Y Tu Mama Tambien? Nine Songs? Brokeback Mountain? Wahaha, omg, I couldn't help wondering why in the hell you were always so cool like that, talking about movies that are almost porn without the usual girly flinch.

I caught myself saying your name, for no reason at all than just to say it, hear it. And you know what the funny part is? It gave me butterflies.

Nagising na lang ako isang araw, may hawak na sulat, listahan ng mga points ko, the what's and why's and how's. Inlababo nako. Shet. And I really did use that word, "inlababo", LOL.

I arranged for us to meet sa food court sa Robinsons. I was quiet on the way, but you were constantly joking around. I knew the gravity of what I was about to say would tip the scales one way or the other. Either we remained as fledgling friends, or we don't. As we sat, and I "briefed" you on what it was all about, you just ogled at me. Then I took out my notes, at which point you burst out laughing. It was embarassing as hell, more so for a shy guy, so I had to kick you under the table. Kulit mo kasi eh.

I saw the signs, but I didn't stop myself. The butterflies you gave me felt too good. But it was not to be, and so I resigned myself to that.

A new guy came along. Real cool guy. We could've been friends, but he came between you and me. You started going out with him more often. Too often. Sabi mo friends lang kayo. Na may boyfriend ka na. One time, it was raining really hard, but you still went out with him. Lakad natin dapat nung araw na yun. Our lunchtime talks became your lunchtime talks. Your face lit up every time he walked in. I barely get a nod from you, much less a smile. He'd stand up, you'd stand up. You'd stand up beside him. You'd lean on him. I caught you casually hooking his pinky with yours. Too casual for everyone else to notice. But I noticed. You had your own plate and utensils sa pantry. You always kept your food separate. But you didn't mind sharing spoonfuls with him. You even finished his beer. LIARLIARCHEATERIHATEYOU

I broke my heart watching you. Wanting you. Losing you. What-if's. Regrets.

But no more. Dahil ngayon, kasama na kita. You won't have to worry about anything else.

EH ANO Ngaun kng. ... wala Ka Na>>? wala ka na sa kanILA?

eh no -aman kun ම—ȧ��??qpewoirjqpowiejfakdsjfkasjefkasdjfaskdfasdkfj;aksd jf;akjsdfsadkjfaskdjf;aksjdflkasdjfaksd;fjkasd;fka js;dlfk-09-09-09=-==1=231231!)@(#_!@HINDISIYABAGAYSAYO!!!WALASIYANGK WENTA!@!@1121212OI1

bahala silang lahat sa buhay nila. basta ako, kasama kita. akin ka lang, abby. may dala akong mga rosas. sana magustuhan mo. ipapalinis ko kay manong bukas yung gate nang himlayan mo, medyo luma na rin ang pintura.

malapit na ang pasko, abby.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Phoblog #5 - Beautiful Fridays

It was the most beautiful sunset today. I couldn't resist walking up to the water, but I had to stop behind a tree. The sight was just too much. Everything was just the perfect shade of brown, my perfect shade of brown, and the brightest golden yellow. The sun wasn't just a disk in the sky; it was taking up the whole of my line of view, and it was radiating a quiet calm. I basked hungrily on every single ray. My heart felt light, and I smiled.

I was expecting something quite unpleasant, but quite unavoidable at work today. A bit after lunch, I was tagged by our HR officer. She quietly came up to me, without the usual fuss that she does when she bears good news, or just wanted to inform the GTs behind me about something that definitely does not concern me (and get a bit of play while doing so). I caught her at the corner of my eye, at the end of our aisle. She looked somber, serious. I thought to myself, "This is it."

She came up to me, touched me lightly on the shoulder. She was whispering, so I had to remove my earplug to hear what I was dreading to hear. "Bago ka umuwi, daanan mo ako, ha?" I grit my teeth. But I was ready.

At the end of my shift, I had to stay by the sink in the rest room for a while. I needed to brace myself. I came to her cubicle, where she was making a call. She still looked somber. She knew the business at hand, and there was nothing to smile about what she had to say. She took a few leaves of printed paper, no doubt bearing my name, my sentence, and the names of those who brought the mallet down. I cannot blame them though. It is by my own aversion to anything rigid that led me to this situation. There was nothing I can do than to take it, and take it hard.

"This is not a termination."
"Come again?", I thought. Holy crap. I must have misheard it. The "not" sounds highly dubious. Come on think, did she really say it?

"Wow. That's a surprise. What sort of strings did you pull to pull this off?" I sat down as gently as I can, but my knees went weak. I was looking at the paper in front of me, but I barely read anything. All I know is that it listed every single one of my transgressions without fail, and it was quite appropriately headed, "Last Ultimatum", CC'd and BCC'd to my bosses. Usually, I'd joke about how redundant "Last" and "Ultimatum" sounded (they both mean the same--the end of my stressful but relatively comfortable career), but mad respects to the woman who wrote it, so I will refrain from doing so. Plus, she was my guardian angel today, so I have to be extra nice to her from now on. :)

Suffice to say I got through that gnarly business. She was somber no longer.


It was the most beautiful sunset today.
I closed my eyes, and basked on the glow.
I smiled.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Phoblog #4 - Random

After a long break, here's another one for me to read about when I've nothing to do but waste time online...

<--------- Group pic from a recent reunion outing with my sis and her batch-mates. Awesome awesome time there.

Funny how the world blurs and shifts. Raw and unedited.

This photo reminds me of my goals--unreachable so far. I liked the shadows on this one. Made with a yellow balloon with lamplight behind.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Phoblog #3

Here's something I wrote not too far off. It's kinda supposed to be a love letter of sorts, albeit in semi-script format, haha.

This is now, thankfully, in order of viewing, top to bottom. Not that anyone other than me is viewing this, haha.

As you can see, lotsa scratched words there. Didn't sound good, I guess.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cinemanila 2009

awright! i'm really liking the current line-up, and i've already got picks on the dates i can and on the times i can go, hehe.

so, here's how i figure i should go.

October 17, saturday, i should be at market market by 7pm, head to cinema 7 for "Mammoth", starring Gael Garcia Bernal and Michelle Williams, no less. wii. if i can't make it then, then i have to be there on monday, october 18 before 3:15pm, cinema 7. just after lunch, which should be perfect for me.

after that, (assuming it's that short) there's "69 1/2", which is sort of a porn/comedy/musical from what i've read so far, so it should be nothing short of fun fun fun, haha. it starts at 4:30pm though, cinema 6, market market. i might have to miss out on this one if Mammoth is long. tsk.

i shouldn't skip sunday though, "Ang Beerhouse" also looks interesting, and Gwen Garci's in it (albeit her curves aren't very flattering anymore, haha. love her though!). black comedy/satire... hmm, sounds grrreat. :P

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Leaving Zedge...

...and this is the only thing i'm taking with me. i don't have much memory of that place, but i used to. i guess when i decided i'd let go, my good old brain gave a quiet nod and went to the back racks where i keep my memories, rummaged for the boxes named "Zedge" and "twistum" and "pazzesco_belo" and "tuesday" and "twiggy015" and "yuemin" and "myketchup" and everybody thing else tagged red, then gave them a quiet once over before tossing it to the flames. somewhere in my brain, neurons that were put on hold to keep the memories are being put out, one by one. that part will probably go dim, but never fully out. i'll keep some, if only just to say, once, we collided, if but a while. too bad most of them i'm destined to miss, and never fully hit.

i guess i'm the one that always gets hit.